What is NARM and what does it mean to be a NARM Therapist?

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NARM (the NeuroAffective Relational Model) is a therapeutic approach specifically designed to address complex trauma and the internal patterns that affect quality of life that often emerges alongside it. These patterns usually began as adaptations to early adversity, but can become automatic and unhelpful when responding to a source of stress that is no longer present.

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Learn more information about Complex Trauma

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Being a NARM Master Therapist means I have completed the full formal training in the NeuroAffective Relational Model and remain connected with those trained in the model to remain competent in providing it. I integrate NARM principles and skills into almost every session I offer.

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NARM Process 

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Please note that the information written on my website is blended with my personal and clinical experience applying the model, and may differ from how other NARM therapists apply and interpret the model.

 

One of the factors I appreciate most about NARM is how well it translates to online therapy. As long as you are in a private, comfortable space where you can safely turn inward, we can do this work together from anywhere.

 

While many therapy approaches focus on behaviors and goal setting with external factors, NARM centers on your internal world in how you relate to your own thoughts, sensations, and emotions in the present moment as the foundation for healing.

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NARM is trauma-informed and depth-oriented. It recognizes the impact of unprocessed trauma and the role of the subconscious in shaping our lives. Sessions are experiential and mindfulness-based, meaning we work together in real-time with what arises. This approach is also relational as we pay attention to how you’re feeling in our present connection, and somatic in including the awareness of physical sensations and nervous system shifts that happen as part of the healing process.

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Within a NARM session, there are four distinct interventions:

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Clarifying the Therapeutic Contract – getting clear about what you want from therapy and receiving your active consent for our work

Asking Exploratory Questions – gently inviting curiosity with your experiences and how it may relate to what you want with therapy

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Reinforcing Agency – supporting your capacity to choose your experience based on what we learn

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Reflecting Psychobiological Shifts – noticing present physical shifts as we explore to support embodied, fuller awareness

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How NARM views complex trauma

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NARM also explores what are called survival styles or patterns developed early in life as a means to survive.

 

As young children, our survival relied on maintaining our relationship with primary caregivers and our primary group, and when this is unavailable including when we need it as an adult in times of significant adversity, we may disconnect from balance and complexity within ourselvs and others that is often needed to truly feel fulfilled.

 

Since modern social structures that prioritize economic demands over basic health and well-being of individuals, families, and communities, it is common to have all survival styles to some degree.

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Path to healing: awareness of when core dilemmas show up day-to-day to consistently have the agency to choose one side or another for balance and fulfillment.​​​
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Connection Survival Style

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Core dilemma that is difficult to balance: connection with self and others

The connection survival style may be recognized through a tendency to disengage or disconnect with our body and with others. We may struggle to feel ourselves as part of a shared social space in the present and tending to find safety in retreating into our intellect and/or spirituality. The safety with this is to prevent the rejection that was first experienced very early in life including pre-birth or generationally.

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Those with this as their dominant survival style may experience themselves as outliers or neurodivergent. Since complex and also more severe trauma does have a neurological and biological effect, neurobiological concerns such as ADHD, autism, and also what is considered giftedness may co-occur with this survival style.​​

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Attunment Survival Style

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​Core dilemma that is difficult to balance: attunement to our needs and the needs of others

The autonomy survival style may be recognized through a tendency to disregard our personal needs in the service of attuning to others (e.g. sleeping, eating, self-care), and on the flipside, may also disregard the personal needs of those closest to us in service of attuning to ourselves (e.g. prioritizing self-care trips when it affects functioning at home). There is a sense of "it's never enough" to feel satisfied in how we show up for others, and  perhaps more visible from the outside, how we show up for ourselves.

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Attunement survival styles may find themselves in codependent relationships. Either as the selfless caregiver or as the insatiable receiver or both e.g. a caregiver in their friendships, but as a receiver in their romantic relationship. This leads to a struggle with sustainability, and shorter relationships because of the rigid role they find themselves stuck in without the end of the relationship or a major conflict.​

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Trust Survival Style

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Core dilemma: continue to trust self or trust the process in the relationship

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The trust survival style may be recognized through a tendency to distrust that others can be reliable in an important way that we need, and on the flipside, can be about being overly trusting of others, and not trust ourselves to be capable in getting our own needs met.

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There is a sense of feeling larger than life, special in a dominant way, or feeling small, especially bad in comparison to most.​​ The trust survival style is a nonpatholagizing way, and more hopeful representation of narcissistic traits, overt and covert.

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This tends to form due to lack of attunement with our capabilities that led to harm, can be emotionally or physically. Subconsciously, as a way to prevent this harm, we overestimate or underestimate ourselves.

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Autonomy Surival Style

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Core dilemma: continue to meet expectations or be authentic in the relationship

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The autonomy survival style can be recognized through a tendency to act in a way that can meet the expectations of others of what's "right" or "good" even when it can lead to a sense of inauthenticity within ourselves, or a tendency to act authentically when it leads to disappointment and conflict with others.

 

This is visible when we have a difficult time saying no or setting boundaries with ourselves or with others. We can name it as "self-sabotage" and/or "people pleasing". It is difficult to find win-win situations when we are experiencing this survival style because there's an internal battle on even identifying what we deeply want because this was threatening or harmful in the past.

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This can be experienced with someone when they are smiling, but we can feel tension, frustration, or anger underneath that the person may not be aware of in themselves. There may be a sense of confusion in leaving the exchange, and lack of follow through despite decisions or promises we thought they made.

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And on the inside, this survival style can feel like anxiety because we may not be ready to be honest with ourselves about our feelings of disagreement, frustration, anger. Certainly not enough to express it with the other person. We may tend to "kill others with kindness", and find it difficult to be "vulnerable" or express authentic thoughts and feelings because we anticipate that the other person would reject these when they are actually projections from the past.

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Love-Sexuality Survival Style

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Core dilemma: be open to the complexity and nuance of love and sexuality or simplify or limit this

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​The love-sexuality survival style can be recognized through a tendency to prioritize performance and appearance rather than the genuine, felt experience of love and physical intimacy. This can be present in all sexual orientations and expressions including spectrums of asexuality, and may actually be more prevelant in those who experienced trauma due to their difference in this domain.

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When we idealize someone or ourselves as the perfect partner or the other person or label someone as being "out of" ours or someone's league even in a nonromantic or sexual way. When partnership or genuine connection seems impossible, this survival style may be present. There is a reduction of complexity and nuance of who we or the other person is, and this may serve to make quick decisions in place of allowing space for relationships to unfold in their unique way through time.

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Within therapy sessions, clients are supported to be aware of when survival styles are present to practice agency with them. In most cases, the specific survival style doesn't need to be named for it to be felt in a session and worked with in real time. It can even get in the way of the healing process from within, felt in our bodies, to approach ourselves through intellectual observation.

 

The goal is also not to eliminate survival styles or to erase trauma, and this is not realistic anyway as it isn't realistic to erase lived experience and predisposition, but to improve awareness and agency over them for balance and more sustainable relationships with others and with ourselves. This is the place where posttraumatic growth can occur.

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I provide more information on NARM in therapy sessions, based on each person's unique ways of surviving and desire to improve their quality of life beyond survival mode.

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