Radical Acceptance
Radical Acceptance is the practice of acknowledging pain and letting go to move forward towards an experience we may find more helpful. Instead of worsening or perpetuating it as suffering which may even lead to spreading pain to others.
Practicing Radical Acceptance:
Awareness of pain, anxiety, and loss > Radical Acceptance > Present to the peace that's available
Difficult situation continues to unfold, taking its own course
New development that truly calls for a present response
> Better rested to respond and be present to know when to let go and respond further
Without Radical Acceptance:
Awareness of pain, anxiety, and loss > Holding on to fix beyond what is possible > Suffering and more preoccupation
Difficult situation continues to unfold, taking its own course
New development that truly calls for a present response
> Compromised ability to respond due to suffering > Preoccupied, poor mental health that becomes more difficult to contain and so can also affect others
Who may benefit from practicing Radical Acceptance?
Those actively struggling with:
Loss and going through grief
Can be loss of opportunity, loss of someone, loss of community etc that is subjectively important. Difficulty going through a grief process that's natural after loss can include difficulty tolerating and avoidance of pain. Denying and so does not have the option to accept the loss that has already occurred. Difficulty accepting where they are in the present and the possibility of more loss that's outside of their control in the future.
Anxiety
Anxiety is excessive worry that affects directly or indirectly basic functioning daily or every week or most days of the month.
Can be dysregulated sleep, appetite, difficulty maintaining chosen responsibilities
Complex Trauma
Complex trauma is usually developmental or occurring in childhood when we are the most vulnerable and so more likely to experience difficult experiences as threatening especially when we don't have adequate and stable external and internal support from primary caregivers.
Those who may benefit from practicing Radical Acceptance usually received Authoritarian Parenting (strict, high control and low empathy parenting) or Permissive or Neglectful Parenting (low structure or guidance to understand self and others to function independently or find fulfillment) or received bullying (aggression or disregard that led to isolation) from primary group of peers.
More information on parenting styles from PsychologyToday.
Brief History:
Radical Acceptance is named and first developed by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan for Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) More information here. DBT skills are often shared by more seasoned clinicians (whether or not they were formally trained in it) to newer licensed therapists.
The way I share about Radical Acceptance is based off DBT, but mostly shaped through my experiences providing therapy for clients longterm. I have also shared this article from VeryWellMind in the past. Which can be a second perspective from what I share below which is more based on my lived and clinical experience.
Ways to practice Radical Acceptance:
Cognitive (Mind-based) Application
If you notice the anxious thoughts first:
"I am worried about _______________ ."
"I am anxious about _______________ ."
Consider adding:
"I likely cannot do more at this time.
So I can let these thoughts to try and fix or plan pass."
"I recognize that not everything is in my control.
And I accept that I may have controlled what I can."
"I have done the best that I can with what I knew or where I was at.
I am continuing to do the best I can.
I am capable if there is more that I can do in the future."
"I can allow myself to make mistakes, and live and learn."
"I can give myself some grace like I am now."
Sometimes it helps to add in the Serenity Prayer:
"God [or the name or your sense of your higher power] ... Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."
From the 12 Steps which is a resource for addiction recovery that starts with acceptance and letting go.
Somatically (Body-based, Sensations) Application
If you notice anxiety or strain or pain in your body, start with this.
This may be case if you are struggling with:
Sleep or appetite
Physically being in your own space
Relying on substance use to mentally and physically calm down
Notice where the anxiety may be in your body so you may decide to adjust this experience. We all have an intuitive way of adjusting our bodies for comfort.
Some ways anixiety can show up in the body from top to bottom:
Furrowed or tension between the eyebrows
Squinting or narrowed, fixed eyes
Clenched or locked jaw
Head or face forward
Tension or strain in the neck, shoulders, down the spine to the lower back
Tightened muscles in the arms
Balled up or tightly closed hands
Shallow breaths or constricted chest
Tight or tensed stomach
Clenched pelvic area or locked hips
Tightened muscles in the legs
Or numbing or absence of signals from the lower body
Feet are not grounded or stabilized
As you notice your body, what are shifts you intituively want to make? What is it like to do this?
Now try the earlier statements.
Holistically (Can include philosophy, spirituality, and/or worldview)
If you're continuing to notice a disconnection or resistance with letting go, there may be a deeper inner conflict in worldview, personal philosophy and/or spirituality. Perhaps the Serenity Prayer or a "higher power" doesn't make sense for you. Maybe it's even difficult to be present with your body as is.
This can be the case if a family intergenerationally overly relied on exerting control on themselves and others for safety. And did not pass down lived experience of allowing authentic wants and needs, trusting their authentic selves, leaning on communities available to them, and being in tune with their environment to connect with and support them.
Recovery from this kind of intergenerational trauma or limitations starts with awareness.
These reflective questions may help:
Was there a time trying to control a situation led to more problems?
Was there a time I let go and things worked out?
Was there a time that letting go was actually crucial to things working out?
Was there a time I was in great need and someone was available to help?
And even offered it without me arranging it?
Were there coincidences that helped me in my life?
For more information, Radical Acceptance can be further explored and practiced through therapy.